September 12, 2013: Chienne de vie

Let's get it straight: my life sucks. This post is dedicated to demonstrate why in 3 facts.

Fact #1: I was looking at the statistics for this blog, in particular which keywords my readers typed in search engines Google. I was expecting anything... but THAT:

 Unfortunately, this is not a joke. 
So wait, I've spent 14,587 hours writing this wonderful piece of literature of a blog so gross pervs can j*** off on my girlfriend's photos? (Or on mine, but let's leave that assumption out of it.) In France, we have a nice expression: "C'est de la confiture aux cochons" which means: "It's jam for the pigs." I mean, I can't be too surprised...75% of the internet is sex (the other 25%- apparently just really earnest people looking to heal their knee injuries).  Nonetheless, I'm convinced I have also a bunch of quality readers (yeah Bob M., it's you!).

Fact #2: I emailed the Chicago marathon staff to tell them I won't be performing that well on the marathon day. Consequently, they changed my corral and put me in corral... J. Like not A, not B, not even F... J. Let me explain to you. Corral J is for people with an expected finish time between 4h56 and 5h16.

Hey guys! Mind if I run with you? Oh, should I fuck myself instead? 
You got it, I will be surrounded with old people, fat people, or... 12 year old kids. Wait a second. Seems like a déja vu, remember?

Fact #3: I'm back in my cubicle and it SUCKS. Everybody is frustrated that I left for 4 weeks and they're trying to smoke me.

My boss wasn't expecting to be dancing so early in the morning. Click for the full AVICII video.
VOILÀ - Quod erat demonstrandum.

A little word about my training (also called "note to myself"): I'm doing okay, I'm at 21.4 mi already for this week. I STILL have some pain in my tendon after a few miles but I just have to accept it. I will NOT be fully recovered for the marathon and I WILL suffer A LOT on the D-Day. C'est la putain de vie.

September 6, 2013: Doubt. Fear. Panic.

My 4 week vacation in France is almost over, and progress was made. But I'm still far behind from any marathon training plan. The 2013 edition of the Chicago marathon is in a month, and my long run has been... 10 miles. That is 38.17% of the marathon distance. And that's still far from the 16-18 mile long runs recommended in the literature. So, am I fucked? Should I give up? Should I rip off my tendon and still give it a try? I haven't decided yet.

Let's start by a snapshot of my vacation in south of France.

Me in love / eating a croissant / jumping into freezing water / riding my 1947 Jeep
Wow - VACATION. I thought this period of the year will never arrive. Agreed, I had an amazing vacation in April but it was somewhat tainted by the Boston bombings (see that post). My girlfriend came to France with me for a week. One morning, I put the alarm clock at 7:00 am because I wanted to go for a long run. She wasn't happy about that. To say she was merely "cranky" is an understatement. But then after a few miles we discovered what only the  early birds get a chance to see.

La Rivière Éspérance: Here's to hopeful thinking for the marathon...
This time, we ran 8 miles. It wasn't easy, there was an elevation drop of about 300m at the beginning and then 300m back up at the end. But we' were glad we did it, although I had some medium, medium-high pain in my extensor tendon after the run. Luckily, it went away after a couple of days.

Then I came back to Paris, put my girlfriend back on the Air Putain (yep, Air France) plane for Boston, and I kept training, this time on relatively flat trails. I've done a couple of other 8 mile workouts, and then I finally decided to increase the distance to 10 mi. Surprisingly, the pain in my foot was really not that bad, and my legs were strong. The weak link, this time, was the general fatigue and my heart. It was a hot day in Paris, and I decided to run at 2 pm when it was very sunny and about 88°F. I had a heart rate monitor and I averaged 167 bpm over 2 hours. My average speed was 5 mph but it includes some stretching. Still pretty lame. That gives me an estimated marathon finish time of... 5 hours and 14 minutes...

Well, I'm telling you my friends, I will be VERY HAPPY if I get to finish this fucking thing, even if I have to run with grandmas (which I have no doubts I will). In fact, it's barely impossible. Right now, my weekly mileage is about 20 mi and my longest run was 10 mi. According to my book, 5 weeks from the marathon, I should average 50 mi a week and I should have done a 16 mi long run. See? I'm screwed. But you know what? I'll keep training until the very last day and only that day I'll decide if I give it a shot or not.

I decided to do a last long run on Sunday, September 15, 2013. I will run until the pain in my tendon is "medium", or 16 miles, or 3 hours, whatever comes first. I will have my girlfriend ride her bike next to me so she can feed me with Gatorade, croissants, and foie gras (flashforward she's tired of riding her bike and I only run an hour...).

Dear readers, I'm in the home stretch of my training now. If you have any last minute recommendations, insults or gifts you wanna ship me, please go ahead. I promise if I resign during the race, you'll never ever hear from me again... so this is your last chance.

God Bless America (and my tendon).

Bye guys!
-Pinky and the brain (she's the brain, obviously)